Tophers Blog

Hurricane is my spirit

tophersblog — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 03:40:56 +0000

Its the rain tapping on my window, the pale moonlight hidden beneath the clouds, the water streaming in the road, and the lightning lighting up the sky. Its everything that surrounds me, the cold frail night air the way it embraces me like a blanket surrounding me. Its the flowers beaten by the raindrops, the smell stagnant in the midnight air. Sorrow engulfs me as though I am New Orleans and it is Katrina, spinning me out of control, and throwing me in all emotional directions, the aftermath is devistating, and broken is my heart but as the city of New Orleans I refuse to let it crush me and kill the spirit within me. This emotional hurricane only last for a while, yet I will overcome all the damage it seems to have done, and I will build myself up better and happier than before.

When I’m gone.

tophersblog — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:45:31 +0000

I’ve been in pain so long, I’m hurting but I try to be stong

Its not often anyone has seen me cry because Dads are strong and we hold our heads up high.

I wake to find another day but here is where I’m not meant to stay and yet I’m strong from day to day.

I walk and talk and act as though there’s no pain at least none I show, when I set alone sometimes I think of what life for my kids will be like when I’m long gone. Did I do enough, was there enough love, was I there for them and never gave up.

I’ll watch them all day to day and on that day what will they say, will I look down on them crying for me , will in Heaven I be sad, that my kids are crying that they lost their dad? I lost one of my own and my heart never truly recovered, so will they be okay when I leave and go away?

They know not that when I’m gone I’ll be better off because I no longer have to pretend to be strong, I’ll be okay and hurt no more, everyday better than the one before and I’ll find beauty even on days that it rains, but even though I’m better and the pain is gone away I’ll always still be wanting for my kids to be okay, and until they join me the pain remains.

-Topher

An end unreal

tophersblog — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:42:17 +0000

life gets to a point sometimes of no return, that we choose to cut all ties to end life too soon. Its so hard to go on and live a life no one can understand. What it is I can never understand but I have lived a life where friends come to an end. An idea exists in all of us, to sometimes let go of all our stress yet sometimes theres more than what others can see and we don’t know it till its time to grieve. We let out our pain in tears and sorrow but for all of us there will be a tomorrow, but our friend thats gone could not hold on to the pain they felt no more. A place much better we send our friend in our minds even if its just pretend, to make us feel better about tomorrow and help us end our pain and sorrow.

My grief

tophersblog — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:08:08 +0000

I am here on this dark and lonely road to nowhere,

and you aren’t with me anymore.

It was on a darkened road that you were last before life lost all control,

its grief that takes me to that day, where I should have been but didn’t stay.

I wonder some days what it was like to be lying bleeding begging for your life,

did you find the answers to all you sought, or was it just a few lonely thoughts,

was there a white light and a tunnel to pull you up, or did you see that this world is the heaven and hell that we’ll have known best?

theres regret I hold inside, for not being by your side, I could have been with you and you may have survived.

Its often I think what might have been, given your life did not end,

grieving did not work for me it was as though the I relived it all over again day to day, and I was not able to face life that way.

So today I see you, as you once were, so beautiful in pictures tucked away in my heart.

Lonely.

tophersblog — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:58:14 +0000

All I know is loneliness, without you by my side,

nothings been the same since I made you cry.

You were here for me when I needed you but I couldn’t be there to always see

you through. It’s hard when we love someone and can’t be there for them

its what I felt you needed, but selfishly what I wanted. I thought it best for

you to know and to find it on your own, but I should’ve been there with

you on your journey all along. All my trying hurt you because I didn’t

see your needs, and now I’ve lost the best thing that could’ve ever happened

to me, so lonely here without you is how it has to be.

You’re Gone.

tophersblog — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:43:59 +0000

Slow nights turn to fright when I end up alone in the moon light. Nowhere to go, noone to run to, and all I can think about is me loving you.

Turn out the lights and crawl into bed, you’re here by my side but it’s all in my head.

I wake in the morning only to find I’m the only thing that you left behind, I look through my pictures to see you again,its like you were here and leaving again, a moment is gone like dust in the wind.

All the pain and this sorrow I dream of tomorrow, when I’ll wake from this nightmare and it might all just be over because I’ve realized this a dream, my heart is so heavy it burts at the seems, so I’ll continue to dwell of our last farwell and think about how it ended unwell.

-Topher

How was I to know

tophersblog — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:24:44 +0000

How was I to know today that this would be the day my world would end and so much more was to begin.

How was I to know today that I should tell my mom I love her because it would be the last time her little girl would say it.

How was I to know my friends would see me as someone they didn’t know.

How was I to know the rest of my days I would spend with God, and walk by his side on those streets paved of gold.

How was I to know today that night would fall and that would be all, so much I want to do, yet so much I have done, this world that I am leaving with all my work for God be done.

How was I to know that while driving home the semi in front would swerve because a drunk driver was headed straight at him.

How was I to know that if I would have seen her maybe more of me would be here than my spirit that just lingers.

How was I to know today it would be my last, how was I to know today everyone who loves me would cry for me tonight.

How was I to know today, How was I to know?

Remember

tophersblog — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:52:44 +0000

When the sun comes up today remember that I love you.

When the day is long and hard remember I will be there for you.

Remember all the times we had, the holidays and birthdays, the good and the bad, the tears and the beers.

Remember what I told you and the path I wanted for you.

Remember you are special to me and the friend that you were to me.

Its easy to see the bad and forget all the good times we had, its easy to blame people and not see what hurt their in.

Remember that I never wanted hurt for you or anyone.

Take care of each other, spend time together, love whole heartedly and always dance retardedly.

Cheers to success and remember all the best , and me.

Even though I’m gone away I’m looking over each of you always everyday, but if you forget anything I’ve said to you please remember this, even if we didn’t talk before I left that day,

remember that I love you each and everyday.

I’m leaving out today.

tophersblog — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:30:49 +0000

I cannot find myself today where I was last I cannot say

I’ve looked around and all I’ve found were pictures of me from my yesterdays

Where I’ll go I do not know I just hope its better than where I am now

I cannot smile or feel today all of that has gone away

I want to tell you how I feel that I love you dearly but never will

I kept the pictures of you and I yet when I see them I want to cry

when you left me this time it hurt too much

I can’t recover it cut me too deep and now these voices I hear aren’t yours or even mine but they tell me what I desire is not to go on.

I’ve needed you too much and I cannot find a touch to keep me going anymore so this is good-bye and nothing more.

I’ll leave behind my love for you but with you gone … I am too.

I hate to leave this world this way, not knowing who will find me or what they’ll say

You’re not the only reason why I’ve chose to leave theres so much more no one will ever know and I’m not strong enough to stay to tell.

So please forgive me as I’m gone and I hope where I am going will be better than before.

A desperate cry

tophersblog — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:50:28 +0000

Circus clowns smiles upside down
falling teardrops hit the ground.

A teenage mother in a abortion clinic,
scared decisions in such a panic.
A funnell tube some broken bones,
the baby that you’ve known is gone.

Soldiers hiding in the night, dodging bullets
to win this fight. Lonely letters to the ones they love
the last he’ll send as he drowns in his own blood.

Across town a wife is beaten, the neighbor pretends
he doesn’t hear them. Two days later in a hospital bed
his wife dies and he feels regret.

A young gay couple make for an easy target,
they beg and plead and try to bargain,
yet those backwood boys who swear to God,
kill these “faggots” and go on home.

A world of hate, a shameful place, where crimes are committed because of race, its peace we seek
and love we need, but so many evils such as money and greed.

The happiest people with the saddest hearts,
painted faces, to cover their scars,

Circus clowns smiles upside down,
falling teardrops hit the ground.

-Topher